A little over a year ago, I received a message asking if I give body positivity advice. In all honesty, I don’t consider myself to be an expert or even an influencer—to an extent anyway. I have affected some fashion choices and purchases, but I don’t know if I’ve swayed anyone’s behavior or thoughts about life based on the words I’ve spoken or written. Be that as it may, I still feel inclined to share my voice anyway.
Last week, someone sent me a post on social media, which addressed a man’s realization of his feelings for his wife. In a nutshell, the author of the post shared that his wife had become ill and she lost a significant amount of weight, which made her almost unrecognizable. His wife’s weight loss made him realize that what he felt for her before she lost weight was not love—it was lust. He shared that because of this he worked toward loving who she is rather than what she is.
I read the comments associated with the post, and like most things in the social media arena, there is a mix of backlash and praise. I commend him for recognizing his feelings for his wife and working toward what he believed to be best; however, I am not so sure it was lust. I could be wrong, but I think it was a preference.
Earlier this week, I stumbled upon a post on social media that is similar to the one I received a week ago. The author of this post stated his girlfriend gave birth 12 weeks ago, and although she lost the weight she gained during the pregnancy, her stomach is covered in stretch marks and is saggy. The author also shared that it is hard for him to be intimate with his girlfriend because her body “is a turn-off.” He stated that he offered to help pay for her to have surgery to change her body, but she refused. Lastly, he acknowledged that he is at the point where he wants to end the relationship with her.
The author received a lot of criticism for his thoughts. Most of the commentators bashed the author for being focused on his girlfriend’s body rather than their newborn child. Additionally, some readers think he is wrong for wanting to leave the relationship because he isn’t physically attracted to his girlfriend any more.
Once again, I am the outlier. I don’t consider his thoughts to be “wrong.” I commend this author as well for recognizing his feelings and expressing them.
I have a few thoughts surrounding these two situations. The husband concluded that he didn’t love his wife when he married her. Instead, he believes what he felt was lust, which is defined as a very strong sexual desire or a passionate desire for something.
He acknowledged that he finds a particular body type attractive. Preference means a greater liking for one alternative over another or others. We all have preferences or biases that are based on various reasons. I think it is beneficial to explore why we prefer a body type—or whatever—over another. This can help us determine if it is a healthy choice or not. Based on the author’s narrative, he saw his reaction as an unhealthy mindset, so he decided to change it to improve his marriage. Is that a bad thing?
The boyfriend in the second post prefers his girlfriend’s body to look a certain way. Is that wrong? I think a lot of people will say it is; however, I disagree to an extent. I recognize pregnancy—and other experiences in life—can potentially cause us to change emotionally, mentally, and physically, but should we expect our partners to accept those changes? Truth be told, we don’t always see ourselves as prepared for some changes that come in life. Additionally, I think these instances and the negative responses that can occur play a role in men and women not expressing themselves. I experienced it first hand. I received so much backlash for sharing a different perspective in a previous relationship that I started keeping my thoughts to myself to avoid conflict—that isn’t healthy.
I believe one of our biggest faults as a society is expecting others to view life’s decisions the way we do. Generally speaking, we believe our philosophies and guiding principles are right and anyone who disagrees or operates contrary to it is wrong. This is another situation that can benefit from evaluating the “why” behind our opinions and thoughts. Are they based on healthy beliefs or not?
Another concern I think causes a lot of issues is the mindset of “expected acceptance.” Generally speaking, some people believe they should be accepted as they are, yet they have a list of requirements that must be met by their potential partner. Is that reasonable?
If I was asked for my advice, I would suggest doing exactly what these men did—communicate. Evaluate your thoughts to determine why they exist and if you deem them acceptable. Tell your partner how you feel, then converse about each others’ desires, feelings, and thoughts to come to a decision.
We don’t all define love the same way, nor do we like or prefer the same types of bodies, people, or things. I think it is okay to have preferences as long as they derive from a good place. Furthermore, it behooves us to think about what we want in our relationships and whether or not we can accept the possibility of those things changing, then have an honest conversation about our discovery. However, I believe these conversations should happen before committing to a relationship—more to come on that.
Until the next time be you—and more importantly—love you.
Being uniquely you is being uniquely beautiful.
-B.B. 💋
